How to act and feel differently?

How we feel, influences how we act. How we act, influences how we feel. Can we learn to act and feel differently?

Daniel Kahneman describes in his book “Thinking, fast and slow” how much we are influenced by the context. Whether it’s visual, auditive, physical, emotional… What happens around and inside us, while something happens, impacts our reaction. When we feel stressed, angry, anxious… we often act quickly – based on this exact feeling and in this emotion. When our life is in danger or we need to be “spot on” – this is exactly what we want. Yes, stress has a positive side: It protects us and it helps us to focus. But when our life is not in danger, in the majority of situations, we still often act too quickly – in “autopilot” – and when it doesn’t bring the results and feelings we want, we feel even worse. For example: Someone shouts at us and we shout back. Do we really want that or is it just a very human reaction? I think we all agree it’s the second.
In general it’s necessary and helpful to learn certain patterns and reactions. Example: When someone throws something at us, we automatically try to catch it. But in many stressful situations, and often during the ones that produce themselves over and over again, it’s important to learn new patterns. Example: If we feel constantly “in a wheel” with our daily schedule, we need to prioritize/organize differently to create some time for breaks. If we want to debate differently with our loved ones (eg. instead of getting into a fight), we need to change the way we respond when the debate starts. Is it easy? No. Is it possible? Yes. Step by step. Very important: We have the time. Time to think, time to feel, time to act. We just need to take it.

How can we learn to (re)act differently in a moment of stress?
With awareness, introspection and especially: PATIENCE.
Here is a step by step guide that helps me:

1. Become aware: How am I feeling right now? Why am I feeling like this?
2. My usual reaction: How would I usually react? How does this make me feel?
3. My desired feeling: How would I actually like to feel? What would be the best possible (realistic) result?
4. The necessary actions: What do I need to get to that feeling? What are the options and resources I have available? How can I best use these resources? If I don’t have the resources I need: (Who) can I ask for help?
5. Taking action: Put your plan into practice. Create the space for yourself. Take the time you need. Give it a try.
6. The reflection: How did it go? How am I feeling now? What can I improve next time?
7. Practice to make it a habit: What can I do to put this into practice more often? How can I practice daily/weekly/monthly?

Studying ourselves, our (re)actions and feelings is actually a quite interesting activity. More in this post: https://littlehealthyhabits.com/get-to-know-yourself-you-are-unique/ The most important part is to be honest with ourselves.
Again: It’s not easy to change a thinking and reaction pattern but if it helps us to feel better, I personally feel it’s worth at least trying.

What are your tips? How do you practice your (re)actions?